


Take My Hand, and We'll Be Alright

by Kr1411 (orphan_account)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Treebros, also connor's an artist and you can fite me on this, based off real school experiences, don't hurt me, my first deh fic, not canon, seriously slow burn guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 07:43:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17219780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Kr1411
Summary: The first day of school was never fun. The first day at a new school was always worse, as far as Evan Hansen can tell. Not only was he entering a new place, but it would also be full of faces he didn’t recognize, and since he was new, he wouldn’t be able to blend into the background like at his old school…Treebros AU where Connor and Evan go from enemies to lovers





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Dear Evan Hansen fic, so bear with me. I kind of based this off of my own school experiences a little bit, because high school has been one hell of a ride so far. This is not canon, but will have pretty much all the canon characters, and I hate OC's so like don't expect any major ones???? i mean there's 8 people in the cast and there's more than 8 people in a school sooo.... anyway here's the prologue the actual plot starts next chapter
> 
> Title from "A Little Too Much" by Shawn Mendes because I am in love with that man

The first day of school was never fun. The first day at a new school was always worse, as far as Evan Hansen can tell. Not only was he entering a new place, but it would also be full of faces he didn’t recognize, and since he was new, he wouldn’t be able to blend into the background like at his old school…

… for the most part. 

Evan hated his old school. He had no friends, people didn’t know he existed, and while yes, he liked to be alone, he wasn’t a big fan of being lonely. The few people that  _ did  _ know of his existence, however, made life hell for Evan, making him wish he  _ was _ invisible. Every day would be torment, tears, “eating” alone, or, more specifically, sit at an empty table and throw away the lunch he hadn’t even touched because he didn’t have an appetite. He didn’t know why he bought lunch everyday, though. Probably so he wouldn’t raise any alarms with his teachers. 

After lunch would be more tears, and more common than not, a panic attack that caused him to run out without the teacher even noticing. Sometime after school, right before he got on the bus, his tormentors would strike again, leaving him to hide his tears on the bus. 

Halfway through the first semester his junior year was the first time in nearly a year, he decided to try to hurt himself again. His mom took extra precautions after the last time he got caught, getting him a safety razor and making sure he didn’t have any sharp objects accessible to him. Evan thought that was bullshit, but she didn’t make him see a therapist. 

He thought back to those days, and thought of another way he could hurt himself. After doing some research, he took his mom’s hair straightener and a bobby pin, and began burning his leg. 

This kept up for a while, until one day, he got offered to shadow at another school. Moreso, it was the school his family friend Jared went to, and he promised to show Evan around. 

Evan immediately knew he liked the school after shadowing it. The teachers seemed to actually care about their students, the classes were more laid back, and, to quote Jared, “everyone was probably ADHD.” It was great. 

Which was why going back was so hard for Evan. 

Not even a month later was when it became too much. The hope of transferring over break was becoming less and less realistic, and no one really cared enough about his presence to know if he was okay. Not even his mom, she seemed to care more about her classes than her son. 

One night, Evan had enough. He rode his bike over to Ellison Park, which took about twenty minutes, and climbed the tallest tree he could find. He climbed to the top, until he was as close to the sky as he could get, and there was no tree left to climb. He thought about his mom, how crushed she would be when she found him, but he couldn’t find himself to care. If she cared, maybe she would be around enough to know that  _ Evan wasn’t okay _ . Maybe he wouldn’t be here now. 

\---

Failure. That’s what he was. A failure. There was nothing Evan couldn’t fail at. 

He failed at being a good son, he failed at finding friends, and being socially acceptable. Now, he failed at  _ fucking dying _ . 

His mom didn’t know that, though. She was told he got bored, late at night, and decided to climb a tree. She  _ wasn’t _ told that Evan was on the ground for ten minutes, which felt like longer, hoping someone would come to help him. She wasn’t told that the tears weren’t from the pain in his arm, but from the fact that he could still feel pain; the fact that he was still  _ alive _ . 

That’s all she would ever know. 

\---

Evan got into Jared’s school. It wasn’t that hard, but they weren’t very good at communicating with his mom. Either that, or his mom wasn’t very good at communicating with him. Evan didn’t really care though. He got to leave his current hell, he never had to go back. He didn’t tell anyone, either. He left school-issued books in classrooms, and cleaned his locker out. No one asked why, for no one would care, and Evan was overjoyed. Maybe, at this new school, he’d get a new start. Maybe, he’d find happiness. Of course, he’d have to get over the insane amount of unfamiliar faces, and the strange area, but it was possible. 


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's a dick, Alana's a good person, oh, and Evan's terrified of his first day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the story ACTUALLY begins!! bear with me please ;-;
> 
> And I totally headcanon Connor being an amazing artist, and Alana and Evan being good friends in an alternate universe. Also Also I'm still trying to decide if I want Zoe/Alana in this so I'll keep you updated on that

“Okay so first things first - You can sit with me at lunch  _ today, _ but that’s it. After today, you’re on your own,” Jared said to Evan, as they walked into Evan’s new school together. Heidi Hansen asked Vanessa Kleinman to make sure Jared kept an eye on Evan, and that Evan made friends. Jared was against the idea, but Vanessa promised to pay her son’s car insurance if he did what Heidi asked. Jared immediately changed his mind, because damn, car insurance was a  _ bitch _ . As long as he didn’t have to pay for it, Jared would do  _ anything _ . 

“Oh and also, I’ll introduce you to people today, and get you to classes this week, but after that, you’re on your own. Can’t have you ruining my rep, ya know?” Jared looked at Evan, who couldn’t look  _ more  _ insecure. He was holding himself and was slightly hunched, and looked like he was going to cry. 

“You’ll be fine. Just talk to people, and don’t look like you’re going to burst into tears at any given moment. Also, let go of yourself, the chicks will  _ not _ dig that,” Jared added, and Evan nodded, reluctantly letting go of himself. 

“You got this, alright?” Jared asked, and Evan slowly nodded. 

“Y-Yeah…” Evan said, looking around. No one seemed to be staring at him, except this one girl. She didn’t seemed to be judging him, though. In fact, she seemed…  _ excited _ to see him? 

Evan didn’t have much time to process the thought as the girl got closer and closer to him. 

“Hey, I’m Alana Beck, I don’t believe I’ve met you before. What’s your name? Are you new? If not, I am so sorry, I tend to know everyone in this school, so I just assumed-”

“His name is Evan, and yes, he’s new,” Jared said, harshly cutting the girl-  _ Alana _ off. Evan looked down. 

“Y-Yeah, M-my name is E-Evan, Evan Hansen,” Evan said, very quietly. He probably scared Alana off, that is, if Jared hasn’t already. 

“It’s very nice to meet you Evan! If you ever need anything, you can always talk to me,” Alana said, cutting Evan off from his thoughts. Evan looked up, and smiled at this new person. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but then Alana gasped. “Oh my god, what happened to your arm?” She asked. 

“Oh. I- I fell out of a-” 

“He broke it from jerking off to much,” Jared interrupted, a little too loudly, and Evan felt tears come to his eyes. 

“T-That’s not true! I fell out of a tree!” Evan said, louder and quicker so Alana knew Jared was lying. 

“Oh really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub last summer. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said, because then, she died,” Alana said, almost as if she didn’t hear either of the boys. Evan let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t chase her away right off the bat. 

“Well, I’ve got to get to class. Can’t be late, especially on the first day back!” Alana said cheerfully. “I hope you have a good first day Evan!” 

Alana wandered off, and Jared laughed. “What a  _ nerd! _ ” he said, and Evan shrunk back. 

“She seemed nice,” he said quietly. 

“Oh please,” Jared countered. “She just feels bad for you because it’s your first day and you look like shit.” 

Evan didn’t bother responding to that. Instead, he looked at his schedule. “Where… Where’s the english room?” He asked, and Jared groaned. 

“That’s my first class, follow me,” he said, and wandered off to the English classroom. 

\---

Staying true to his word, Jared  _ did _ let Evan sit with his friends that day, although a good portion of them looked like they didn’t want Jared there. Jared didn’t seem to notice, or care though. 

For the last period, however, Jared left Evan alone. “ _ It’s just study hall, you’ll be fine, _ ” Jared had said, and Evan was suddenly alone. Until Alana found out they shared a study hall and dragged him off to the math classroom. Surprisingly, though, they didn’t do any actual math. Evan noticed the math teacher playing Yuker with three kids about Evan’s own age, a kid with long hair drawing something seemingly intense, seeing how focused he was on this drawing, and next to Alana and himself, he heard them playing this thing called…  _ ranch roulette? _ Evan couldn’t help but how badly that had to end.

“So that’s the Geometry teacher, his class is rough but otherwise he’s super cool; His name is Mr. Wilson. The Kid with the blonde hair is Joseph Miller, he’s really into card games. So are the two other guys, their names are Daniel Moore and Alex Spencer,” Alana told Evan, pointing to the group of people playing Yuker. “Mr. Wilson!” Alana then called the teacher.

Mr. Wilson looked up from his game and looked at the duo. 

“I have a new student here, his name is Evan!” Alana said cheerfully, and Mr. Wilson smiled. “Welcome, Evan,” he said, and Evan smiled back. This had happened in every class so far, and it was already more than his old school gave him. 

Alana smiled back at the teacher and looked over to the drawing kid. “That kid over there is Connor Murphy. He can be a bit…  _ intimidating  _ at times, so you may want to steer clear of him. His sister, Zoe, is  _ super _ nice though,” Alana said, talking about the kid with the longer hair. She then looked over to the people playing their disgusting game. 

“These three find the weirdest ways to spend their time…” Alana muttered, then continued, “The kid with… with the ranch… that’s Lucas Wilson. The girl next to him, probably the one who came up with this idea, is Sabrina Patel. Across from Sabrina, is Andrea Johnson,” Alana finished, and Sabrina looked over at the two. 

“Hey, just because I usually come up with this shit, doesn’t mean it was  _ my _ idea!” She defended herself. “In fact,  _ Andrea _ was the one who had the ranch!”

Alana raised an eyebrow, and Sabrina sighed. “Fine. It was my idea. Happy?” Alana smiled and nodded, and Evan laughed. 

“Sabrina and I have been friends for a long time. I have many acquaintances, but not that many friends. It is nice to have a friend, though,” Alana said, and Evan’s smile dropped. “Yeah…” he said, trailing off. 

Evan didn’t know what it was like to have a real friend. Sure, he had Jared, but he wasn’t stupid. Jared couldn’t  _ stand _ Evan. They used to be close, but after Evan got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, and Jared found out, the latter deemed himself “too cool” for Evan.  Since then, Evan hadn’t had a real friend. 

Alana didn’t seem to notice his mood change, though. She kept talking about her amazing friendship with Sabrina, and behind her, Evan noticed, Lucas let out a sigh of relief that he didn’t have to drink the ranch. 

After about twenty minutes of Alana catching Evan up on different things, such as which teacher he could trust, and the cliques in their grade, the final bell  _ finally _ rang. 

“It was nice talking to you Evan! I’ll see you again tomorrow?” Alana asked as she started to walk to her bus. Evan smiled. 

“S-Sure,” he said, smiling. Maybe things could finally look up for Evan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my first day last year, that ranch roulette thing ACTUALLY HAPPENED and it was nasty guys. the yuker thing also happened. I have so many stories from after my transfer guys it's actually hilarious


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: graphic description of a panic attack
> 
> okay i'm genuinely scared for this chapter. It was a huge risk, and while it somewhat lines up with my writing style in the angst category, I've never written a panic attack before. I wrote the entire scene after mine on like the second day at my new school, so hopefully it's realistic enough, but i would l o v e constructive criticism if you have some

The next day of school was exactly as Jared promised. He helped show Evan around, but that was it. Evan couldn’t sit with Jared at lunch, he couldn’t talk to him in the four classes they had together, and unless he had a question, Jared didn’t want to be seen associating with Evan. 

Lucky for Evan, Alana felt the exact opposite. She continued to introduce everyone to Evan, and while they only had study hall together, she still let the new boy sit with her group of friends at lunch. Her group of friends being Sabrina, Lucas, Andrea, Zoe Murphy, and herself. Evan felt a little awkward at first, until he realised that he didn’t have to eat alone anymore, although he still wasn’t doing much “eating” in the first place. Not that anyone would notice, though. He’s pulled off skipping lunch for a year, surely he’d be able to keep it up. 

Alana warned him that sometimes, their lunch can be a bit wild, and when the two walked up to the group playing some card game, “Egyptian Ratscrew” as Lucas had called it, Evan decided she was right. Sabrina nearly spilled her lunch on Zoe, and Zoe nearly broke the table slapping the cards. Andrea’s hand was beet red by the end of lunch, and Evan was having the time of his life.

All good things had to come to an end, though. This time, it was the bell that ended lunch. 

“Evan, you remember where your next class is, right?” Alana asked, and Evan nodded. 

“Chemistry, at the end of the Science hall, right?” He asked, to confirmed, and Alana somehow smiled wider than she had been before. 

“That’s correct!” She said happily, and wished him well before going off to her own class. 

Evan turned to walk out of the cafeteria, when he saw Jared walking out with a small group of three people. Evan’s heart ached, but he ignored it. Jared told him to leave the former alone, and that’s what he planned to do. 

Once Evan completed the task of getting to class, he then had to find a seat. The Chemistry teacher trusted everyone enough to not have assigned seats, which was beneficial to everyone  _ except _ Evan. It was a full class, so Evan had no choice but to sit next to some stranger. He made eye contact with Jared, as if to ask if he could sit next to him again, but his “family friend” shook his head. Evan sighed, and took a seat next to one of the kids that was playing yuker yesterday. He couldn’t remember which one was which though, Alana just named names. He didn’t ask, though. That would be too humiliating. 

Class started, and Evan tried to slump in his chair. He hated being new, he could feel eyes on him from everywhere. He didn’t belong here, he never did. 

Evan felt his heart start to race, and his breathing speed up. 

_ No, no no, not now, not when people could stare at you and think you’re a freak, _ Evan thought to himself, blinking his eyes. 

_ But that’s what you are, right? A freak? _ A small voice in his head told him.  _ If you weren’t a freak, maybe you wouldn’t have been too scared to leave your old school. Maybe you’d have actual friends. Maybe Jared wouldn’t be ashamed of hanging out with you. Maybe Alana wouldn’t be taking pity on you. Maybe you wouldn’t have to sit next to someone you don’t know, who probably wishes he was sitting next to literally anyone else right now. _

Evan started to see black dots around his vision, and he knew he had to get out. He didn’t want to run out, though, that would make a scene, and that was  _ not _ what Evan wanted. Especially not on his second day. 

_ They’re all looking at you, each and every person in here judging you. They’re all going to think you’re a freak for leaving in the middle of class. I mean, what kind of person freaks out over nothing?  _

Evan quickly raised his hand, and the teacher - Mr. White - called on him. 

“MayIgotothebathroom?” Evan asked quickly, and recognition settled in Mr. White’s eyes as he nodded his head. Evan got up, and tried to walk out as fast as he could without running. 

Out in the hallway, Evan could feel his legs shaking as he made his way to the bathroom. He didn’t want to go to the nurse, he didn’t know her, sure he  _ met _ her, but that was different. In no school had a nurse helped him with his anxiety. They gave him water and  _ occasionally  _ asked him to lie on the cot, and while yes, that helped sometimes, he couldn’t shake the feeling that they were always judging him. 

Finally, Evan reached the bathroom, which happened to be empty due to everyone being in the middle of class. 

He went to the last stall, and all but collapsed on the ground. He felt  _ very _ lightheaded, he felt as if he was disconnected from his body, and he was shaking all over now. 

_ All this on your second day of school. Hah. What a loser,  _ the voice told him, and tears fell out of Evans eyes. 

After about what felt like hours, Evan pulled his phone out, and tried to call his mom. He got nowhere though, seeing as it went to voicemail after five rings. Evan called her again, with the same result. He contemplated texting Jared, but he would just make fun of him. 

Evan dropped his phone, and watched his hands as he let out another sob. He couldn’t do this.  _ Why _ did he think coming to a new school was a good idea? All this would be so much better if he managed to fall out of the fucking tree correctly. 

Evan let out another sob at that thought. The one thing he had some control over, and he fucked that up. 

The next ten or so minutes were spent in the bathroom, engulfed by his own thoughts, when suddenly the door opened and someone walked in. Evan shut the stall door, and clammed his eyes shut, hoping this kid wouldn’t notice him. 

“Hello?” the kid asked, and Evan kept quiet, even though tears were spilling out of his eyes. 

Not even two seconds after the voice spoke, some strong smell filled the air. 

_ Weed.  _

There was no way Evan could leave soon, not if some kid was smoking a joint just outside. Evan picked up his phone and texted his mom, one last attempt to get her to help him, grab him from school,  _ something _ . 

**Evan: mmom pleaes come gt me**

No response. Great. 

Evan put his head in his knees, when suddenly, his stall door opened. Evan’s head snapped up, making direct eye contact with the long-haired kid who was drawing in study hall yesterday. 

“You okay kid?” The guy asked. What was his name? He was Zoe Murphy’s brother, Evan remembered that much. 

Evan didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded. He could at least  _ pretend _ to be okay, even if he wasn’t. The Murphy brother scoffed. 

“No you’re not,” he said, sitting next to Evan. “It’s okay.”

Evan put his head back in his knees, and Zoe’s brother put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Look kid, I know how you feel. It fucking sucks. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I understand,” Murphy brother said, and took another hit. 

“Do you want me to get the nurse?” Murphy brother asked, and Evan shook his head. “Good choice. She wouldn’t help anyway.”

Evan chuckled, but didn’t move his head. He didn’t want to see the pity on this guys face. 

“Did you call your mom?” Yes. 

“Can you go home?” No. 

Murphy sighed,  _ what the hell was his name? _ , and didn’t ask anymore questions. 

“I’m too high to take you home, sorry dude,” he said, after a minute. He then stood up and walked back to his back, throwing his joint in the sink. “I can-” He started, picking his bag up, but then stopped himself.

“See you around kid.”

Evan watched as he left, and buried his head in his knees once again. He had to figure out what he was going to do about chem, but he had managed to calm down at least. 

\---

Evan ended up going to the nurse anyway, using the whole  _ I don’t feel well and need to lie down _ excuse. He didn’t need the nurse to know how much of a freak he was. It was bad enough the older Murphy knew. 

His name started with a C, but that’s all he could remember. He had to ask Alana tomorrow. 

He checked his phone for a response from his mom, but of course, he had no new notifications.  _ Big surprise _ . 

It was no wonder he couldn’t make any real friends, given that his own  _ mother _ didn’t even love him. She probably didn’t even want him to begin with-

_ Riiiingg _

Evan got up off the cot and grabbed his bag, ignoring the  _ I hope you feel better _ from the nurse. He just wanted to go home and cry at that point. All that was left was the hour long bus ride that awaited him… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was kind of a rough one, and while i'm anti-update every day, i kinda felt the need to because i'm kind of excited for this one. it's been hard to find happiness lately and writing gives me a happiness i forgot i could have
> 
> Please comment and kudos. it's all i have


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see how Jared and Evan met and Evan feels neglected by his mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 hits?? thank you all so much!! I'm loving the response this fic is getting, thank you all so much!!
> 
> happy 2019!

Once Evan got home, he all but ran to his room. He knew his mom wouldn’t be home, she either had work or class. If she didn’t have work, she had class, and vice versa. If she had nothing, half the time she would pick up a double shift. 

Evan understands, he really does. Ever since his dad left when he was seven, money had always been tight, and there wasn’t exactly much he could do to help. He picked up the job as a park ranger over the summer, but it barely helped pay the bills. 

Around Evan’s eighth birthday was when Heidi met Vanessa and James Kleinman. He remembered her inviting them and their son over, and while he got more wild as the night went on, his first impression of their son was that the kid was  _ very  _ shy. 

_ “Evan, this is Ms. Vanessa, and Mr. James,” Heidi told Evan, pointing to the very tall people. He then noticed someone about his height, cowering behind his mom’s legs. Evan smiled at him, but the kid just further hid.  _

_ “This is Jared, he’s not good at meeting new people,” Vanessa explained to Heidi.  _

_ “That’s perfectly fine, Evan isn’t usually either,” Heidi said, and the two women laughed. Evan then tried to walk away, but Heidi grabbed his hand.  _

_ “Why don’t you show Jared your toys? You have plenty of Legos and Lincoln Logs, right? Or maybe Jared would like your comics?” Heidi asked Evan, who shyly nodded.  _

_ “Jared  _ loves _ Legos, I’m sure they’ll have fun,” Evan heard Ms. Vanessa say as he quietly led Jared to the toy room.  _

Evan shook his head. Why did his mind wander to Jared? Probably because of how much of his childhood was spent with the him. 

After his mom met the Kleinman’s and picked up work, Ms. Vanessa and Mr. James were always put on babysitting duty. Sometimes, he would get dropped off early in the morning, and stay until the sky turned dark, and sometimes he would spend the night. 

Jared and Evan used to have the best sleepovers, Evan remembered. They would always play hide and seek with other kids in the neighborhood, or they would stay up all night watching movies and eating the worst types of food. Sometimes they would stay up playing Mario Kart, or other video games that Jared had. It almost always ended up being Mario Kart, though. 

It’s funny, how times would change so fast. Even if Heidi was never around, Jared was for most of his life, and now he’s gone. Evan’s not  _ cool _ enough for him. 

What time would his mom be home tonight? Would he be able to see her?

Evan didn’t know if he wanted to face her at the moment. Sure, she was working, but he needed her and she wasn’t there. 

Evan contemplated calling Jared. Evan wasn’t even mad at his mom, or upset she was working at the moment. He just didn’t want to be alone. 

**Evan: Hey Jared, you there?**

Evan sighed as he closed the messages app. He didn’t know why he bothered. He knew he wouldn’t get a decent response. 

As long as it was a response, though, he would be fine. 

**Jared: what do you want?**

Evan sighed. It was something, at least. 

**Evan: Idk, I’m kind of lonely I guess. Mom’s still working for God knows how long.**

**Jared: ah, text alana or sum. i cant talk rn**

**Evan: I don’t have her number.**

**Jared: now whos problem is that???**

Evan sighed. Typical. Evan missed the times when they were little, and they could do whatever they wanted and not care. 

_ “These are my Legos, over there are my comics,” Evan quietly said, but Jared remained quiet.  _

_ “What would you like to do?” Evan asked, and Jared shrugged.  _

_ “I have a DS, we could take turns playing on that?” Evan asked, and Jared nodded.  _

_ The two did that for a while, before Jared suddenly said, “Let’s do something else.”  _

_ It took Evan by surprise, seeing as it was one of the first few things Jared had said that night.  _

_ “Legos?” Evan asked, but Jared shook his head. “Do you like tag?” The latter asked, and Evan shrugged.  _

_ “You’re it, then,” He said, touching Evan’s shoulder and running off. Evan chased the other boy, and eventually tagged him back.  _

Being a kid was so much more simple. Not a care in the world, anything could happen, and it could easily be solved by a movie, or a candy bar. Running around was much more fun, and everyone was  _ much _ more nice. 

Oh, what Evan would give to be a kid again. 

Evan texted his mother again. Despite what he thought at school, he really  _ didn’t _ want to be alone at the moment. 

**Evan: Will you be home tonight?**

**Evan: Am I on my own for dinner again?**

Evan sighed, and put his phone down. What was the point of texting her if she wouldn’t respond?

\---

Evan was finishing his math homework when he heard the door open. Checking his phone, he noticed that his mom hadn’t texted him back. 

Evan got ready to call the police, when suddenly, he heard, “Hello? Evan? Are you there?” coming from downstairs. 

Evan relaxed a little when he recognized the voice as his mother’s. She came home. She didn’t text him back, but she came home. 

He emerged from his room slowly, and moved down to the kitchen to find Heidi putting her stuff on the table. 

“Evan honey, are you okay?” Heidi asked, engulfing Evan in a hug. 

_ I wasn’t earlier, where were you then?  _ Evan thought as he nodded. Sometimes, he felt it was easier to give the people what they wanted, and right now Heidi wanted her son to be okay. 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to you earlier, today was insanely busy, they had to practically  _ double _ the staff,” Heidi explained to Evan, who was just nodding silently. “What did you need earlier, are you okay?” she asked frantically.

“N-nothing, just wasn’t feeling well,” Evan lied. “I went to the nurse and lied down for a bit, I’m fine, I promise.”

Evan hated lying to his mom, but he didn’t want to make her life even more of a hell than it already was. 

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Heidi asked, placing a hand on Evan’s shoulder reassuringly. Evan nodded. 

“Yeah…” he said quietly, and Heidi smiled. 

“Good. I have to go to class in a couple hours, but I was thinking we could order stakeout and watch a couple episodes of Brooklyn Nine Nine until then?” She asked, and Evan smiled. 

“Sure,” he said, and he was happy. Maybe not truly, but any time with his mom could make anything better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please kudos and comment, it makes me know this fic doesn't suck


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan "talk". Truth or Dare happens at lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The person I'm basing Connor off of did have a reaction to me trying to talk to him last year, besides the whole "pushing" thing.
> 
> sorry about this chapter, it's not the greatest. But I have a Connor chapter coming soon ig so don't leave me?

The next day was a friday, thank god. Evan didn’t know how he survived the week, and it wasn’t even a full one! 

“Evan!” Alana walked up to Evan out of seemingly nowhere, taking the former by surprise. 

“Hey Alana,” Evan said quietly, looking down. He really didn’t want to talk to her right then, what if she found out about his…  _ freakout _ , and thought of him as a freak?

“Where were you yesterday? You had us worried sick!” Alana said, concern definitely present in her voice. 

“I- I wasn’t feeling t-to well…” Evan quietly said, and Alana put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Are you feeling better?” She asked, and she seemed to be genuinely concerned. Evan looked up at her and smiled. 

“I- I guess…” he said quietly, and Alana smiled back at him. 

“Good. If you need to talk or anything, I can give you my number. I’d like to consider us acquaintances, or close acquaintances, if not friends, and I like to keep in touch with my close acquaintances or friends,” she said, and Evan nodded.

“Great,” he said, before Alana smiled and walked away.

\---

Lunch was different today. Evan was going to sit with Alana and that group of people, but he hated intruding and he knew he wouldn’t be welcome again. He couldn’t sit with Jared for obvious reasons, and-

“Evan! Get over here!” 

Evan looked over to see Lucas waving him over to their table.  Guess he was welcome there. 

“Hey,” Evan said when he finally made his way over. “What’s going on?” 

“Gambling,” Sabrina said, putting a bag of chips in the middle of the table. 

“We are  _ not  _ gambling, we’re placing bets and putting things out for the winner to grab,” Zoe corrected, and Sabrina laughed. 

“Basically gambling,” she said, before taking a bite out of her sandwich. 

“Ooh, Evan, I have a dare for you, if you’d like to win all of  _ this _ ,” Lucas said, motioning to the food in the middle of the table. There were two cups of jello, a bag of chips, and a cookie. Evan shrugged.  _ What the hell _ , he thought, and nodded. “What’s the dare?” he asked, trying his hardest to sound confident even though  _ he definitely did  _ not _ want to do this _ . 

“See Murphy over there?” Lucas asked, pointing to the lonesome Connor murphy eating alone in the corner. “Talk to him. I’m talking a full blown conversation, not just some “Hi,” shit. Ask him how his day was,” Lucas said, then smirked. “See how long it takes for him to lose his shit.” 

Evan looked at Zoe, who was looking down at the table. “Zoe, are you okay with this?” Evan asked, and Zoe’s head snapped up. 

“Do whatever the fuck you want, I don’t care,” she said, and looked over at Connor with some look of hurt in her eye. “Just don’t let him hurt you.” 

Evan decided it was best to not ask what she meant by that, and took a deep breath. “Alright, here we go,” he muttered, before walking over to the elder Murphy. 

This couldn’t go  _ too _ bad, right? Connor helped him through a panic attack, and they haven’t really had a chance to talk to him about it. Surely, he would let Evan talk to him about it?

“C-Connor?” Evan asked, once he approached him. Connor’s head didn’t move, and Evan didn’t know how to interpret that. Did Connor not want to talk, or did he just not hear him? 

Evan was snapped out of his thoughts by a very harsh “What?” coming from Connor. Evan took a deep breath. 

“I’m E-Evan, um, you helped me the other day and I just wanted to-”

“I didn’t do shit, so don’t thank me,” Connor snapped, interrupting Evan. Evan shrunk back.

“Y-you just, you helped me alot, and we didn’t get to talk-”

“That’s because I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to get high,” Connor said, looking up. “And I’ve seen who you’ve been hanging out with. That group of people are mentally twelve years old, and I don’t want to associate with anyone who hangs out with them,” Connor said, and Evan looked down. 

“It’s my third day here, I don’t really know if they accept me or not-”

“Well if it’s your third day, don’t let me corrupt your reputation. Go somewhere else.”

“I really don’t care about reputation.”

“Well then you’re going to get fucking murdered here,” Connor said, and looked past Evan to see the blonde kid looking at the two of them. 

“Why the fuck is your friend watching us? Was this a fucking dare?” Connor demanded. Evan frantically shook his head. 

“No, no it’s not like that I prom-”

“Were you dared to talk to the school freak? Well here, you’re talking to him, you happy? You got what you wanted,” Connor shouted, standing up. 

“Connor wait-” Evan shouted, but next thing he knew, he was on the ground, and Connor was storming out of the cafeteria. 

Evan didn’t even realise he was on the ground, not until Zoe and Lucas were standing over him, making sure he was okay. Lucas offered Evan a hand, and Zoe was frantically apologising for her brother’s behavior. Evan took Lucas’ hand and stood, up, and brushed the dust off himself.

“Is your arm okay? I’m sorry, my brother is  _ so _ inconsiderate, he only cares about himself, I’m so sorry,” Zoe said to Evan, for what seemed to be the thousandth time but was really only the fifth. Evan didn’t mind, though. At least she cared a bit. 

What was up with Connor? He seemed to be perfectly fine yesterday. Did something happen to him? Did  _ Evan _ do something to him? It was probably yesterday, he probably seemed too weak to Connor. Connor thought his friends were childish, and seeing Evan in the bathroom, crying, _ alone _ in the bathroom probably made him think the same. 

_ Now he’s going to tell everyone how much of a wimp you are. You’re lucky he only pushed you. He should’ve done much worse.  _

Evan took a deep breath, and excused himself to the bathroom. He let himself in the back stall, and tears immediately fell out of his eyes. 

_ Wow, can’t handle a little shove? What a baby. Evan Hansen, resident loser and crybaby.  _

Evan dug his nails into his forearms, but not hard enough to leave a mark. He mentally cursed himself for biting his nails. 

He didn’t want to bring back bad habits, but in the moment, it seemed like it was all he could do. He couldn’t escape his mind, changing schools did  _ nothing  _ for him, and he just wanted it all to stop. 

_ But your mom would be devastated. She sent you here for a new start, and that’s what your getting.  _

Evan let go of his arms, and took a deep breath. He could do this. He just had to get through the rest of the day, then he could go home and hide in his room for the next three days. 

It couldn’t be that hard, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truth or dare was another thing that happened, but I always sat out. I never have been, and never will be, a daring person. 
> 
> HEY GUYS I need a beta. I hate asking for one, since I have literally never had one before, but I feel like I could use help reviewing the chapter before I post it, because each time my final thought is "this sucks" so like, yeah. My email is in my profile if you're interested
> 
> or just hmu on tumblr ;) - kr1411
> 
> Kudos and Comments help my dying self esteem


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uno, conflict, and Evan being done with a certain someone's shit

A few weeks had passed, and Evan got into the smooth rhythm of the school system in no time. He made a couple friends outside of Alana and her group, but nobody he’d really talk to. That small group of people all signed his cast, which was taken off shortly after. 

Really, Evan didn’t expect it to have any signatures by the end of it’s time, and honestly, neither did his mom. 

_ “Your cast!” Heidi exclaimed, when she came home one night. She pointed to the signatures of five kids, somewhat separated on the gause. “People signed it!” _

_ Evan shrugged. “Yeah, I guess they did,” he said. He didn’t have the heart to tell her they signed it two days ago. It would make her feel bad, and he didn’t want to be any more of a burden than he already was.  _

_ “Oh Evan, I’m so proud of yourself, putting yourself out there. I knew this new school would help you,” Heidi said, and she seemed to genuinely mean it. She wrapped Evan in a hug, which Evan was reluctant to return. He felt as if she didn’t deserve to be proud of him. She wasn’t there, she didn’t help, no matter how much she tried. He knew she wanted to, she just physically… couldn’t.  _

_ “How about this - Let’s go out sometime next week to celebrate! How does that sound?” Heidi asked, with so much enthusiasm Evan couldn’t say no. _

_ “Sounds great.” _

Everytime the thought that his mom didn’t expect him to  _ actually _ get signatures on his cast crossed his mind, Evan’s heart ached. Did she really think so little of him that she didn’t think he was capable of making friends?

Whatever. Evan tried not to dwell on it  _ too _ much, it  _ has _ been two weeks since that conversation after all. At the current moment, Evan was playing an intense round of Uno with Mr. Wilson, Daniel, Alex, and Andrea. Alana was working on her APUSH homework, while Lucas and Sabrina managed to get their hands on some wheely chairs in the library and were racing through the hall. Mr. Wilson saw what they were doing, but decided that if they got in trouble by another teacher, then he’d give them detention. Evan wondered how much shit those two put him through before he came to this school. 

Evan also noticed Connor would look up from whatever he was drawing to glare at Evan once every few minutes. Evan wanted to know what was going on inside his head. He didn’t know if he did anything to offend him, but he definitely wanted to find out. 

The only problem was he was too afraid to. 

He would talk to Zoe, but judging by how she reacted when Connor pushed him, and even when he asked if it was okay to talk to him, he felt like that would’ve been a bad idea. 

“ _ Evan? _ Evan, it’s your turn,” Andrea said, and Evan looked at the most recently played card. A plus two. Evan looked at his own deck and saw two of the same type. He put one down, and smirked at Daniel. Daniel glared at him as he put another down, forcing Mr. Wilson to draw six cards. Evan and Andrea started laughing, as Mr. Wilson shamefully drew his six cards. 

Suddenly, there’s a loud crash in the classroom, and Evan turns around to find Lucas and Sabrina tangled in some classroom chairs and their office chairs. Connor was glaring at them, and if looks could kill, anyone laughing in the moment would be dead. He angrily grabbed his stuff and stormed out of the room. 

“Okay. You’re done,” Mr. Wilson said, standing up to fix the mess the troublesome duo created. Lucas sighed, but Sabrina laughed. “Such a buzzkill,” she said, but got up to put the chairs back anyway. Mr. Wilson sighed. “Anyone know where Connor might be?” he asked, and the trio playing Uno shrugged. 

Evan wanted to make sure he was okay, but after Connor shoved him, he’s been afraid to go near the tall kid. 

It felt like Connor didn’t even care that he shoved Evan. Every time Evan caught Connor looking at him, the look was full of… pure hatred and disdain. Evan didn’t even know what he did to the kid. 

Zoe explained to him that Connor had a couple…  _ anger issues _ , so to say, and that he shouldn’t take it personally, but she didn’t understand whom she was talking to. 

Evan took  _ everything _ personally. 

He didn’t even know  _ why _ he was letting some kid bother him. 

Oh wait. Yes he did. 

Because this kid had seen him at his worst, and Evan was afraid he would tell the entire fucking school about it.    
Evan tried to talk to Jared about it, but as expected, Jared provided no help whatsoever. 

**_Evan:_ ** _ Hey Jared, can we talk? _

**_Jared:_ ** _ what do you want? _

**_Evan:_ ** _ Do you know Connor Murphy? _

**_Jared:_ ** _ do i know connor murphy? Of course i do, evry1 does. He’s the school stoner. He threw a printer at our second-grade teacher _

**_Jared:_ ** _ whyd u ask? _

**_Evan:_ ** _ Idk, I think he hates me. Idk what I did to him though. _

**_Jared:_ ** _ connor murphy hates evry1 dude. dont take it personally, as hard as that may b 4 u _

Yeah, Evan didn’t know what to expect from that, but he did know the printer story was probably  _ not _ true. There is  _ no fucking way  _ a  _ second-grader _ can throw a two-hundred pound printer. 

Unless he was the Hulk or something. But until that’s proven, Evan refused to believe the printer story. 

Mr. Wilson decided to give him some time, but if he didn’t come back he would call the office. Evan looked down. He felt bad, he really did. But if Connor wouldn’t care if this happened to Evan, so why should he care about it now?

God, why couldn’t he make his mind up about Connor?

The game of Uno resumed, and lasted until about five minutes until the period ending, Evan coming out victorious. Evan liked to think that card games were his secret skill. He knew of many, and he was very good at them too. 

Not that he always could find someone to play them with. When his mom was home, they’d usually end the night with some sort of card game or something. 

Evan’s heart hurt at the thought. They haven’t played a card game in a while. 

The bell rang, and as Evan was walking out of the room, he looked back at Mr. Wilson. The teacher was calling the office, a stern look on his face. Evan thought about going to find Connor, but then remembered, for what felt like the millionth time, how Connor had treated him when he needed someone. 

_ “ _ _ I’m too high to take you home, sorry dude.”  _

_ “See ya around kid.”  _

_ “He’s the school stoner.” _

The constant glares, the way he just left Evan in the bathroom to suffer so he could find another place to smoke, the way he pushed Evan to the ground after Evan tried to simply talk to him. 

_ Let him suffer _ , Evan thought angrily, as he walked out of the classroom. 

He was tired of being treated like shit. He didn’t come to this school to be treated the exact same. While there was no chance he could stand up for himself…  _ ever _ , he didn’t want a stoner whom he didn’t even  _ know _ ruin his day by just existing. 

Evan wouldn’t take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh, confidence that will totalllly last more than two chapters... totally.
> 
> The chair thing? That happened, except I was one of the people rolling around in the chairs, and I didn't see evan doing that lmao
> 
> please kudos and comment or else


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry for the wait and the lack of quality on this chapter :(

January passed, and so did February of the new year, and Evan could slowly feel himself get happier. Not in a way that he was constantly happy, but he wasn’t sad and annoying every day. It was a good feeling, he decided. 

Evan still hadn’t associated with Connor since that day in the lunch room when they talked. Connor had stopped glaring at him, but he refused to let Evan try to talk to him, so Evan just stopped.    
Evan had started to talk to this guy in his journalism class that he was taking, named Miguel. He wasn’t the best looking, but he treated Evan like an actual human being. Anyone who treated Evan like his existence mattered made Evan respect them. Not alot of people did, though. So, when he started talking to Miguel, Evan started to think that it was possible for him to have other friends, ones he could make on his own. He didn’t have to be introduced to anyone, he could just…  _ talk _ to people, and it would be socially acceptable. 

No it wasn’t. But Evan wanted to believe it anyway. 

He would never date, Miguel, but he did value him alot. The only problem with that was Jared asking if they would become a thing at least  _ once a week _ , because a simple “no” wasn’t good enough for him. 

Jared has grown further away from Evan since his first day, which, quite frankly, pissed Evan off. Half the time Jared doesn’t acknowledge his existence, save for the few occasions Jared decides to let Evan sit with him in their science class. Evan even caught Jared talking shit about him to one of his friends, Christopher. That was Evan’s breaking point in his “family friendship” with Jared. He stopped caring about what Jared thought, or at least tried too, since they’re only supposed to be friends because of their moms. And since Evan’s mom was never there…..

Back to Miguel. He was really happy to be friends with Miguel, until he noticed him talking to Connor.  _ A lot.  _

He knew they were probably talking about him. They were probably talking about how fucking annoying he was, how fucking depressing he was as a person, how weird he was for being a new kid. 

Or worse. Connor could be telling Miguel random shirt about him, to make sure they never talked again. Evan’s heart broke at the thought. He loved his group of friends, but he wanted to meet people outside of his friend group. 

He did meet one other person in his History class, but they didn’t talk much out of class. His name was Jesse, but he was one of the “cooler kids” who took pity on Evan, so Evan wasn’t sure how long that friendship was going to last, especially since there was no way in  _ hell _ Evan would make it remotely  _ close _ to the “cool kids” area on the social ladder. 

He sighed, looking at Connor and Miguel once more. He might as well accept it now, Miguel was never going to talk to him again. 

Evan turned around and ran straight into Sabrina. 

“Sorry Sab-” Evan said, but got cut off immediately. 

“Dude, Lucas brought his Xbox, and during study hall we’re going to try to convince Mr. Wilson to let us play it on his projector,” Sabrina said, not even remotely shaken by the fact that the two just physically ran into each other. 

Evan furrowed his eyebrows. “Isn’t he afraid of breaking it or something?” he asked, slight concern in his voice. Sabrina waved her hand in the air. 

“It hasn’t broken yet, and he has like three. Of course, one of them is his brother’s, but he would definitely steal it,” she said, as if it didn’t matter if Lucas completely destroyed his Xbox. 

_ How the hell could people afford three fucking Xbox’s?  _ Evan thought to himself. He could barely afford a wii. Not that he would use it. He would much rather be with trees. 

Evan didn’t know what it was with trees, he just genuinely enjoyed them. Video games tended to stress him out, and he would always get a headache after about an hour. Jared knew this, but he always made Evan play some kind of game anyway. Technology just wasn’t for Evan. He would much rather be in the calm nature of trees. 

Evan chuckled. “I… this can’t end well…” he said, but added, “I’m looking forward to it.” 

Sabrina smiled so wide, almost as if she expected him to shoot the whole idea down. 

Did Evan really give off a “buzzkill” vibe? Was he really that boring, that they didn’t expect him to go along with their stupidity?   
_ Of course they didn’t, all you ever do is feel sorry for yourself.  _

Evan shook his head. He genuinely enjoyed these people, he didn’t want to be boring or annoying to them. He liked their stupid ideas, or how fun they can make any situation. 

_ But they don’t like you. They probably wish you never transferred. You just burden them and their idea of a good time.  _

Evan sighed. He knew that was probably not true knowing this group of people, but they never actually told him they were glad he transferred. 

Why would they though? They didn’t know what he went through at his previous school, how awful things were there. They probably just thought of him as the weird new kid at their school. 

_ They definitely pity you. Look at you, you’re fat, ugly, you probably smell and you dress too nice for school. People don’t want you here, they never did. Take Jared as an example. He made it very clear you’re not wanted here, he doesn’t want you here and you’ve known him most of your life.  _

_ Don’t forget about Connor either. You did nothing to him and he knows you’re just bad news. He’s smart for not hanging out with you. No one wants you here.  _

_ No one at all.  _

A tear ran down Evan’s cheek, but he quickly wiped it away before anyone could see him. He didn’t need to be the emotional kid who couldn’t take anything, not again. 

Evan sighed. He could get through the day, and he would watch Lucas probably break his Xbox, and everything would be okay. 

But okay was never promised, and it certainly never given to Evan.

As long as he got through the day, though, he could at least pretend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu on tumblr for a friend or a prompt - https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kr1411

**Author's Note:**

> hi please kudos comment? I'm genuinely nervous for this fic okay??


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